Blog | Margaret Ann Dixon | Gardnerville, NV 89410

March 2, 2021 by Margaret Ann Dixon Leave a Comment

Why Timing is Everything When it Comes to Marriage Counseling

Seeking help from a marriage counselor is not unlike seeking help from a mechanic. It makes little sense to take your car into the shop a month after it started making a horrific noise. By that time, too much damage may have been done and your engine may be beyond repair.

In much the same way, the effectiveness of couples counseling is directly related to timing. The time to consider marriage counseling is not when you feel you have had enough and cannot go on any longer. I am finding young couples are seeking out counseling earlier than ever. That gives me great hope for the future generations and I applaud their bravery.

Unfortunately, when one partner has already decided to end the relationship, they may use counseling as a “safe space” to drop the news.. This has happened in my office, and indeed I can help, however, there is a better time to seek counseling and find new ways to interact. The age old advice applies – the sooner the better.

When a couple waits too long, habits can become so deeply ingrained that growth even with counseling is very difficult. If a couple has been building up resentment toward one another for many years before seeking help, it will be a long journey of recovery. While counseling is a wonderful way to help couples reconnect and heal, it is not a miracle cure.

When and How Marriage Counseling Can Help

Therapy is obviously most effective if both individuals are committed and want the relationship to work. When both are willing to invest time and energy, therapy can be the catalyst for real and lasting change.

It is also important that couples choose a therapist who’s a good fit. Both spouses need to feel comfortable with the therapist.

So, how exactly can marriage counseling help? In a number of ways:

Counselors help couples identify ineffective and negative behavioral patterns and give them tools to make adjustments.
Each partner can gain new insights and perspective into the relationship.
Tools help couples resolve conflicts with grace and respect so escalation can be avoided.
Partners can begin to build trust and improve communication.

If you and your spouse decide to try marriage counseling, here are some tips for success:

Take it seriously. Commit to the work and do it.
Be open and discuss your true feelings and needs. Don’t hold back. In order for therapy to work, both people have to have the courage to be vulnerable.
Avoid the blame game. Each person must take responsibility for their part.
Be realistic about how long it will take before real change begins. While you can begin using tools immediately, healing won’t happen overnight.

If you and your partner are experiencing marital problems, don’t wait to get help. The sooner you do, the more likely your issues can be resolved. If you or a loved one is interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today.

February 13, 2021 by Margaret Ann Dixon Leave a Comment

Communication Tips for Couples in Recovery

If you have found yourself in a troubled relationship, there is a good chance you grew up with tension or people who argued often.

This means your role models for how to treat your partner taught you some bad habits that must be re-learned. As a result, you might find yourself flailing, hoping things will get better with your partner but not really knowing what you can do or wishing they would change, when in fact you know that you can only change your own behavior.

One of the most important factors in a healthy relationship is good communication. Most couples that come to meet me tell me that they have trouble talking about conflict and feel they cannot communicate with each other effectively. If you are currently working toward mending or improving your relationship, here are some communication tips from the experts:

Give them your FULL Attention

We live in the age of technology, which means we are often looking at our devices instead of each other. Eye contact breeds connection. You know looking at your screen hinders communication.

It can be hard to break the habit, but when your partner speaks immediately reply kindly – ‘just a sec’ or something similar and ASAP, mute or turn the TV off, put the phone down, and make kind and curious eye contact. Tell yourself – they are not interrupting something, they are reaching for connection – mindful prep of your own mindset will help you form new habits of loving non-defensive attention.

Take Responsibility

There are those relationships that suffer because one person has been unfaithful. But oftentimes, a broken relationship is the result of two broken people. Take responsibility for your part in the trouble. Admit to your mistakes and commit to trying harder.

Rules for conflict conversations

It’s not easy to hear someone say negative things about your behavior but resist the urge to cut off your partner when they are saying something you don’t like or agree with and try not to interrupt. You will need to do some self-soothing at times. I often suggest a sticky note inside the cupboard of all the places arguments can erupt – it uses 4 S’s that serve as reminders of how to talk to each other. It is easier to avoid interrupting a long ‘lecture,’ if you both agree on the S’s. They concern the speaker approach: Simply, Slowly, Softly and Stop. Stopping to let the other person summarize by saying, “What do you think about that,” can provide a prompt for the other person to reflect on what was said.

Listen with curiosity

When your partner is talking, you should be hearing every word they say, not thinking about how you are going to respond. Many people are bad listeners. Listening is a skill you will have to develop over time, but why not start now?

Need help?

Most couples I work with need practice in session to really use these types of communication tips. Give them a try for a much better chance of reconnecting with your partner and making things work. And if you’d like to find a therapist that can guide you in your recovery, please reach out to me. I would be happy to talk with you about how I may be able to help and I offer a 1/2 hour in person consultation for that purpose.

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February 5, 2021 by Margaret Ann Dixon Leave a Comment

4 Subtle Exercises to Calm Anxiety in Public

According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, 40 million adults over the age of 18 suffer from an anxiety disorder. If you are one of them, you know how difficult your life can feel most days.

When anxiety strikes, the world around us can become a sort of funhouse, only not that much fun. It’s important to be able to self-soothe in these instances. But how can you calm an anxiety attack subtly when you’re out in public?

Breath Work

As soon as you feel the anxiety coming on, focus intently on your breathing and nothing else. Begin to take slow… deep breaths. Inhale for a slow count of three… hold for a count of three… and exhale for a count of three. Slow deep breaths send a signal to our body that we are not under attack and everything is okay.

Talk to Yourself

In your mind, remind yourself that you are having an experience but that you are NOT that experience. While you feel that something is wrong, remind yourself that you are actually safe and all is well.

Visualize

Think of something that calms you. This may be your childhood bedroom or your grandparent’s home. It could be your favorite beach or your own bathtub. Simply put yourself IN that space. Use your full imagination to feel yourself there and allow the calm to settle over you.

Practice Listening Meditation

If you’ve never tried listening meditation, I highly recommend it for everyone. But it can be especially beneficial when you are feeling anxious, and here’s why. Listening requires you to stop thinking. Try it now. Stop reading and instead listen to all of the ambient sounds there in the room with you, outside the door and window.

What do you hear?

Let your sense of hearing grow and grow, picking up more subtle sounds. The buzz of the lights overhead… the noise of the ice maker… a bee at the window… your dog’s collar down the hall…

It’s actually a very fun exercise to do. And in order to REALLY GIVE SOUND YOUR FULL ATTENTION, you can’t think while listening. It’s a bit like trying to juggle while standing on your hands, it simply cannot be done.

Much of our anxiety comes from our anxious thoughts. It’s our reptilian brain trying to keep us alive by alerting us to all of the dangers around us. But when we meditate, this mind chatter goes away.

When an anxiety attack comes on, life can feel unbearable. The next time this happens to you in public, try one or more of these techniques.

Therapy help with EMDR

And if you’d like to speak with someone about your anxiety, please get in touch. I specialize in EMDR which can be helpful to resolve the root emotions of anxiety. Read more on my EMDR page where you can see video demonstrations of this amazing therapy. https://drdixonpsych.com/emdr-therapy/

February 4, 2021 by Margaret Ann Dixon Leave a Comment

Can Marriage Counseling Really Help Your Relationship?

When I first started my practice, I remember reading a statistic about divorce that I found shocking. And that was that 40-50% of all marriages in the United States ended in divorce.

According to recent surveys, however, the divorce rate in the U.S. fell by 18% between 2008 and 2016. While everyone has their theory as to why the rate is falling, the theory among therapists is that it is because marriage counseling actually works, and more couples are giving it a try.

If you and your spouse are experiencing difficulties, here are some reasons why you should give marriage counseling a try:

Identifying Patterns

One of the biggest benefits of seeking counseling is having help seeing negative behavioral patterns, whether those patterns are yours as individuals and/or as a couple. Healing can only begin once patterns have been recognized.

Impartial Advice

A therapist is not like a friend or family member who is going to take sides and hand out potentially harmful advice. Marriage counselors have a track record of dealing with all sorts of marital issues and want to understand what’s going on so they can offer the best strategies for healing.

A Safe Space

Marriage counseling offers both spouses a safe space to be completely open and honest with their feelings. If not delivered in the right space, complete honesty can have adverse effects. Counseling offers a safe environment in which no one is ever judged.

A Place to Rebuild Trust

Trust is the bedrock of every relationship. But when that trust is broken, as it is through infidelity, it is hard to put the pieces back together. Marriage counselors have years of experience dealing with issues of infidelity. Counseling explores different ways to rebuild trust one step at a time.

Bringing Out Toxic Emotions

Did you know that trapped toxic emotions are one of the main reasons marriages break down? When you have feelings of anger, resentment and frustration locked deep inside you, they fester there and make matters worse. Counseling offers the space and opportunity to let these emotions out in healthy, respectful ways.

If your relationship is on the rocks right now, divorce is not your only solution. Thousands of couples have been helped by marriage counseling and it’s worth it to you both to give it a shot.

If you’d like to explore counseling, please be in touch. I’d be happy to discuss how I may be able to help.