For many couples, the discovery of a spousal affair is the ultimate betrayal. And yet, the betrayal by one does not necessarily decrease the love of either party for the other. When you still love someone but the trust has been significantly damaged, is it possible to mend the relationship? Can marriages be rebuilt after an affair?

Dr. Janis Spring is a clinical psychologist and author of After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful and How Can I Forgive You? The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To. Through her work she has found that relationships can become even stronger after such a betrayal, provided the couples take some crucial steps.

Take Responsibility for the Pain Caused

Many unfaithful spouses are overcome with guilt and, because of it, urge their partners to put the deed behind them so they can move on and heal. This is a mistake, and one certainly not fair to the other spouse.

According to Dr. Spring, the offender must take responsibility and “bear witness” to the pain they have caused rather than defend or deflect their actions. This step is vital before the couple can begin the healing process.

Avoid Cheap Forgiveness

Sometimes, in an effort to save a marriage, the wronged partner quickly forgives the cheater before he or she has had a full chance to feel their anger and hurt. Spring calls this “cheap forgiveness” and warns that it can set up a marriage for future infidelities.

The behavior, she has noticed, is prevalent among individuals who are more afraid of being alone than staying in an unhealthy relationship with an unfaithful partner. But, cheap forgiveness essentially lets the cheater off scott-free and sends a message that the behavior is okay.

Shared Responsibility

There are some situations where, even when only one person has strayed, both parties share guilt. While the unfaithful person has to take responsibility, own up to their guilt, and allow their partner to vent, the wronged party must also acknowledge their own role. What led to feelings of emotional distance and isolation? Did their own behavior cause their spouse to stray?

Shared responsibility is necessary for healing and true intimacy.

Let Go

Once full responsibility is taken and grieving has happened, it is now time for both parties to “let it go” and begin coming back together. A couple has no chance of rebuilding trust if the wronged partner is going to hold onto the resentment and use it against their spouse in future situations.

Above all else, Spring advises that rebuilding trust after an affair takes time. Each couple is different. While some may feel closure after six months, others may need a year or year and a half to fully come together. Some couples may find they need the guidance of a therapist to move through their issues. But the important thing is that both parties remain committed and do the work.

I can help and LOVE working with couples – contact me today. Read more on my couples page.

Seeking help from a marriage counselor is not unlike seeking help from a mechanic. It makes little sense to take your car into the shop a month after it started making a horrific noise. By that time, too much damage may have been done and your engine may be beyond repair.

In much the same way, the effectiveness of couples counseling is directly related to timing. The time to consider marriage counseling is not when you feel you have had enough and cannot go on any longer.  I am finding young couples are seeking out counseling earlier than ever.  That gives me great hope for the future generations and I applaud their bravery.

Unfortunately, when one partner has already decided to end the relationship, they may use counseling as a “safe space” to drop the news.. This has happened in my office, and indeed I can help, however, there is a better time to seek counseling and find new ways to interact.  The age old advice applies – the sooner the better.

When a couple waits too long, habits can become so deeply ingrained that growth even with counseling is very difficult. If a couple has been building up resentment toward one another for many years before seeking help, it will be a long journey of recovery.  While counseling is a wonderful way to help couples reconnect and heal, it is not a miracle cure.

When and How Marriage Counseling Can Help

Therapy is obviously most effective if both individuals are committed and want the relationship to work. When both  are willing to invest time and energy, therapy can be the catalyst for real and lasting change.

It is also important that couples choose a therapist who’s a good fit. Both spouses need to feel comfortable with the therapist.

So, how exactly can marriage counseling help? In a number of ways:

• Counselors help couples identify ineffective and negative behavioral patterns and give them tools to make adjustments.
• Each partner can gain new insights and perspective into the relationship.
• Tools help couples resolve conflicts with grace and respect so escalation can be avoided.
• Partners can begin to build trust and improve communication.

If you and your spouse decide to try marriage counseling, here are some tips for success:

• Take it seriously. Commit to the work and do it.
• Be open and discuss your true feelings and needs. Don’t hold back. In order for therapy to work, both people have to have the courage to be vulnerable.
• Avoid the blame game. Each person must take responsibility for their part.
• Be realistic about how long it will take before real change begins. While you can begin using tools immediately, healing won’t happen overnight.

If you and your partner are experiencing marital problems, don’t wait to get help. The sooner you do, the more likely your issues can be resolved. If you or a loved one is interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today.