Marriage rates supposedly are on the decline. While it’s an oft-repeated statistic that 50 percent of first marriages end in divorce, that number has remained unchanged for the past 30 years. Divorce rates also vary with the partners’ level of education, religious beliefs, and many other factors.

But when divorce does happen, it results in difficulties for adults as well as children. For adults, divorce can be one of life’s most stressful life events. The decision to divorce often is met with ambivalence and uncertainty about the future. If children are involved, they may experience negative effects such as denial, feelings of abandonment, anger, blame, guilt, preoccupation with reconciliation, and acting out.

While divorce may be necessary and the healthiest choice for some, others may wish to try to salvage whatever is left of the union. When couples encounter problems or issues, they may wonder when it is appropriate to seek marriage counseling. Here are seven good reasons.

1. Communication has become negative.

When communication has deteriorated, it can be nearly impossible to move in the right direction without guidance.  Counterproductive, negative communication can include anything that leaves one partner feeling depressed, insecure, disregarded, or wanting to withdraw from the conversation. Often it is the tone, volume and speed of the voices as one or both try to voice their opinion.  With escalation, there are not only hurt feelings, but it can devolve into emotional or even physical abuse.  “You never listen!” and such statements replaced with I statements open the door to better communication; “I need to talk about something.”  This is just a start.  Counseling can be almost like referring and coaching, as I model tone, nonverbal and phrases and it really does help couples learn best.

2. When there was an affair.

Recovering from an affair is possible, and it takes more than just work. It takes commitment and a willingness to forgive and move forward. There is no magic formula but there are structures that I use in session that help a couple recover and grow after an affair. Sometimes, it might end up that it is healthier for both individuals to move on.

3. When the couple seems to be “just occupying the same space.”

When couples become more like roommates than a married couple, this may indicate a need for counseling. This does not mean if the couple isn’t doing everything together they are in trouble. If there is a lack of communication, conversation and intimacy or any other elements the couple feels are important and they feel they just “co-exist,” this may be an indication that a skilled clinician can help sort out what is missing and how to get it back with new rituals, routines or perhaps the need to process some hidden hurts.

4. When the partners do not know how to resolve their differences.

When a couple is stuck and they even agree on the problem, sometimes a skilled clinician is needed to get them moving in the right direction.  There is so much good research to support the steps toward a more loving and healthy union and a couple might have read the books, tried on their own, but I find I can help them be accountable to each other so that they are more likely to do the home work required to really make progress.

5. When one partner begins to act out on negative feelings.

Negative feelings such as resentment or disappointment can turn into hurtful, even harmful acting out, tantrums and down-right cruelty. A skilled clinician can help the couple sort out negative feelings and find better ways to express them.

6. When the only resolution appears to be separation.

When a couple disagrees or argues, a break from each other can be helpful. However, when a timeout turns into an overnight stay away from home or eventually leads to a temporary separation, this may indicate a need for counseling. Spending time away from home does not usually resolve the situation. Instead, it reinforces the thought that time away is helpful, often leading to more absences. When the absent partner returns, the problem may still be there.  I have helped couples devise a plan for an informal separation by first completing individual templates in my secure portal and then discussing in session.  Part of the deal is ongoing individual and couple work, which may include counseling.

7. When a couple is staying together for the sake of the children.

Research indicates children from friendly divorces fare better than those in caustic marriages. Children are generally very intuitive and intelligent. No matter how couples may think they are able to fake their happiness, most children are able to tell.

All marriages in trouble are worth the effort but some will end in separation or divorce. Whatever the outcome, each individual can learn new skills and engage in self-discovery that can last a life-time.

Reach out to me for help and start with my half hour consultation to find out more and meet me in person, soon.  Then you can think about it, talk about it and decide how best to proceed.  I usually recommend doing the Gottman check-up and starting with a 2 or 3 hour long session and, YES, I work weekends and evenings!

Thanks to Hollywood, many couples have been led to believe the secret to reconnecting and rekindling the passion is through a Caribbean cruise, sports cars, or jewelry. But the reality is, once there’s a disconnect between partners, gifts and vacations simply won’t cut it.

It may seem counterintuitive, but love is mended not through grandiose deeds, but through small acts of kindness; through the seemingly micro-moments. It is in these moments when we have a choice to listen to our partner and love them.

If you and your partner are feeling disconnected, here are a few ways you can reconnect:

Pay Better Attention

It is not maliciousness but rather mindlessness that often causes a disconnect. When our partner turns to us with an emotional need, or to simply be heard, do we stop what we are doing and give them our full attention? Or do we mumble something and nod a little, all-the-while checking our Facebook page?

One of the most important steps to reconnecting is to become more self-aware and understand that you are, most likely, not paying your partner the kind of attention they seek and deserve. When they reach for you, reach back. Showing kindness and respect, especially in those moments when it feels hard (like when the game is on or your coworker is texting you juicy office gossip), will go a long way toward reconnecting you.

Work to Understand Your Partner Better

Often times disconnection comes not from what is said between you both but what is not said. Many couples complain they feel their partner wants them to be a mind reader!

But what partners really want is for the other person to take the time to get to know them. Think of it, if you’ve been with your spouse or partner for three years, five years, fifteen years and you STILL don’t know what scares them, frustrates them or pleases them, what does that say? They are not worth you taking the time to try and understand them as a person?

If you truly want to reconnect, know it will take work, and much of that work will simply be learning how your partner operates. The good news is, understanding each other better means you won’t take things so personally anymore. Instead of seeing your partner as angry or defensive all the time, you’ll recognize his sensitivities and her fears.

Play

Reconnecting shouldn’t feel like work! The best way to rekindle the joy and passion is to play together. Go to a movie, play air hockey, try rollerblading… whatever it is, just try and have genuine fun together.

Relationships are work, and most couples will experience a sense of disconnect from time to time. If you follow these three steps, you’ll be able to not only reconnect but feel closer than ever. And, if you feel you need more help reconnecting with one another, seek the guidance of a therapist.

Interested in exploring treatment, please read my couples page and contact me today. I do longer intensive sessions for faster results.

For many couples, the discovery of a spousal affair is the ultimate betrayal. And yet, the betrayal by one does not necessarily decrease the love of either party for the other. When you still love someone but the trust has been significantly damaged, is it possible to mend the relationship? Can marriages be rebuilt after an affair?

Dr. Janis Spring is a clinical psychologist and author of After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful and How Can I Forgive You? The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To. Through her work she has found that relationships can become even stronger after such a betrayal, provided the couples take some crucial steps.

Take Responsibility for the Pain Caused

Many unfaithful spouses are overcome with guilt and, because of it, urge their partners to put the deed behind them so they can move on and heal. This is a mistake, and one certainly not fair to the other spouse.

According to Dr. Spring, the offender must take responsibility and “bear witness” to the pain they have caused rather than defend or deflect their actions. This step is vital before the couple can begin the healing process.

Avoid Cheap Forgiveness

Sometimes, in an effort to save a marriage, the wronged partner quickly forgives the cheater before he or she has had a full chance to feel their anger and hurt. Spring calls this “cheap forgiveness” and warns that it can set up a marriage for future infidelities.

The behavior, she has noticed, is prevalent among individuals who are more afraid of being alone than staying in an unhealthy relationship with an unfaithful partner. But, cheap forgiveness essentially lets the cheater off scott-free and sends a message that the behavior is okay.

Shared Responsibility

There are some situations where, even when only one person has strayed, both parties share guilt. While the unfaithful person has to take responsibility, own up to their guilt, and allow their partner to vent, the wronged party must also acknowledge their own role. What led to feelings of emotional distance and isolation? Did their own behavior cause their spouse to stray?

Shared responsibility is necessary for healing and true intimacy.

Let Go

Once full responsibility is taken and grieving has happened, it is now time for both parties to “let it go” and begin coming back together. A couple has no chance of rebuilding trust if the wronged partner is going to hold onto the resentment and use it against their spouse in future situations.

Above all else, Spring advises that rebuilding trust after an affair takes time. Each couple is different. While some may feel closure after six months, others may need a year or year and a half to fully come together. Some couples may find they need the guidance of a therapist to move through their issues. But the important thing is that both parties remain committed and do the work.

I can help and LOVE working with couples – contact me today. Read more on my couples page.