(775) 204-5132 | support@drdixonpsych.com | Gardnerville, NV

Margaret Ann Dixon, PhD

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Impulsivity and Repair

It seems to be a fact of my life that even as I grow a bit older and wiser…words I regret just slip out before its too late.  I seem to be thoughtful and careful, in tune and attentive during therapy sessions as a psychologist.  In meetings, I might get a little red-faced if I divulge too much or mispronounce a word that causes a few smiles and titters of laughter, as I recognize the error myself.

My biggest problem seems to be with those closest to me.  With them, I feel loved and pre-forgiven, as if they would allow anything and still be there for me forever.

Maybe you don’t have people like that in your life and you still have my problem, but since I do  have those people in my life, I can barely stand it when something hurtful or just over the top slips past my teeth and into the room.  Often it is an impulse bred from a strong feeling and the spoken words are out before I can think of how to form the thought.

I did it again this week and I am still working to repair that relationship.  I have said my sorry bit and I am reminded that I have done this before.  Time is on my side…I think.  I have repeated and summarized their view of the damage.  I am diligently trying to do my part and hoping the positives in the relationship will come to their mind and be bigger than the slight that slipped out.  Today I made a little reminder from the word repair.

Recognize

Empathic

Position

Arrest

Impulsivity

Repair

Perhaps my endeavors here on my blog will help someone else.  Plus, I am giving myself a consequence, making a public confession that I am far off from reaching the goal of perfection (right!).  I am working on living in a value-driven life.  If I truly hold helping others as a value, I better recognize my impulsivity and how it can harm others, if not myself.

So, from above…I can recognize my empathic position and arrest impulsivity to benefit repair of the relationship.

If you are on the path of life like me, consider this:

We therapists are on the same path and most times we are able to help you as much or more than we can help ourselves and those closest to us.  Maybe therapy is partially effective because of the distance and neutrality, not just the training we have.  In any case, if after reading this confessional, you want my professional help, please write or call me today.

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4 Daily Doses to Avoid Divorce

When I think about what has been MOST helpful
to couples in and mostly OUT of my office – these come to mind.

Gratitude meditation

6 sec. hugs

Eye contact

Asking what they need

Here are the four in detail

  1. Gratitude meditation, means you take the time early in the day to generally be grateful and focus on some good thing about the relationship and/or your partner.  Writing it down in a journal?  Yes, that is a great way to solidify the thought.  TONS of research supports this activity.
  2. 6 sec. hugs – The Gottman method suggests a six second kiss.  Aim for at least 3 seconds in a nice tight hug at greetings and partings and whenever one or the other reaches out for one.  Even if you have to pull them off the couch – do it.
  3. Eye contact – end the hug with some potent close eye contact that speaks from the heart – the eyes are the vehicle of attachment and long looks can help most people feel connected.
  4. Asking what they need – “Is there anything you need from me today?”  then do it if you can or say you will think about it at least
Why not try giving your relationship a strong dose starting today?    Remember!  Yes, a habit takes weeks of devotion to make it strong.  You can help it along by keeping track and reward each other for taking this turn toward more love and devotion.  Yes, it does help when a therapist is keeping you both accountable – so consider couples therapy.

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Seven reasons many seek marriage counseling

Marriage rates supposedly are on the decline. While it’s an oft-repeated statistic that 50 percent of first marriages end in divorce, that number has remained unchanged for the past 30 years. Divorce rates also vary with the partners’ level of education, religious beliefs, and many other factors.

But when divorce does happen, it results in difficulties for adults as well as children. For adults, divorce can be one of life’s most stressful life events. The decision to divorce often is met with ambivalence and uncertainty about the future. If children are involved, they may experience negative effects such as denial, feelings of abandonment, anger, blame, guilt, preoccupation with reconciliation, and acting out.

While divorce may be necessary and the healthiest choice for some, others may wish to try to salvage whatever is left of the union. When couples encounter problems or issues, they may wonder when it is appropriate to seek marriage counseling. Here are seven good reasons.

  1. Communication has become negative.

When communication has deteriorated, it can be nearly impossible to move in the right direction without guidance.  Counterproductive, negative communication can include anything that leaves one partner feeling depressed, insecure, disregarded, or wanting to withdraw from the conversation. Often it is the tone, volume and speed of the voices as one or both try to voice their opinion.  With escalation, there are not only hurt feelings, but it can devolve into emotional or even physical abuse.  “You never listen!” and such statements replaced with I statements open the door to better communication; “I need to talk about something.”  This is just a start.  Counseling can be almost like referring and coaching, as I model tone, nonverbal and phrases and it really does help couples learn best.

  1. When there was an affair.

Recovering from an affair is possible, and it takes more than just work. It takes commitment and a willingness to forgive and move forward. There is no magic formula but there are structures that I use in session that help a couple recover and grow after an affair. Sometimes, it might end up that it is healthier for both individuals to move on.

  1. When the couple seems to be “just occupying the same space.”

When couples become more like roommates than a married couple, this may indicate a need for counseling. This does not mean if the couple isn’t doing everything together they are in trouble. If there is a lack of communication, conversation and intimacy or any other elements the couple feels are important and they feel they just “co-exist,” this may be an indication that a skilled clinician can help sort out what is missing and how to get it back with new rituals, routines or perhaps the need to process some hidden hurts.

  1. When the partners do not know how to resolve their differences.

When a couple is stuck and they even agree on the problem, sometimes a skilled clinician is needed to get them moving in the right direction.  There is so much good research to support the steps toward a more loving and healthy union and a couple might have read the books, tried on their own, but I find I can help them be accountable to each other so that they are more likely to do the home work required to really make progress.

  1. When one partner begins to act out on negative feelings.

Negative feelings such as resentment or disappointment can turn into hurtful, even harmful acting out, tantrums and down-right cruelty. A skilled clinician can help the couple sort out negative feelings and find better ways to express them.

  1. When the only resolution appears to be separation.

When a couple disagrees or argues, a break from each other can be helpful. However, when a timeout turns into an overnight stay away from home or eventually leads to a temporary separation, this may indicate a need for counseling. Spending time away from home does not usually resolve the situation. Instead, it reinforces the thought that time away is helpful, often leading to more absences. When the absent partner returns, the problem may still be there.  I have helped couples devise a plan for an informal separation by first completing individual templates in my secure portal and then discussing in session.  Part of the deal is ongoing individual and couple work, which may include counseling.

  1. When a couple is staying together for the sake of the children.

Research indicates children from friendly divorces fare better than those in caustic marriages. Children are generally very intuitive and intelligent. No matter how couples may think they are able to fake their happiness, most children are able to tell.

All marriages in trouble are worth the effort but some will end in separation or divorce. Whatever the outcome, each individual can learn new skills and engage in self-discovery that can last a life-time.

Reach out to me for help and start with my half hour consultation to find out more and meet me in person, soon.  Then you can think about it, talk about it and decide how best to proceed.  I usually recommend doing the Gottman check-up and starting with a 2 or 3 hour long session and, YES, I work weekends and evenings!

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Answer to Assert Yourself over Addiction

Times are painfully tough for many these days.  Struggling in times of high stress may lead to substance use in an attempt to combat the loneliness, anxiety, or depression. However, it is a losing battle.

We are social beings and now with so little opportunity to commune with others, be part of a large group and hug our friends, it is tempting to look to unhealthy escapes. New habits may have formed that need attention.  It seems daunting and scary but we really can reach out for comfort and help and make new healthy habits and when we fail, learn from it and start again. Are you wondering if you might have a problem?

Asking some hard questions like these can be a first step.

  • Do I look forward to drinking or using drugs almost hourly
  • Have others commented on my use?
  • Am I using more than before?
  • Am I hiding my use and using alone?

Maybe this is you right now:
Yes, I feel like I really should cut back or stop, but I am at a loss!  I have tried but I seem to be my worst enemy, making excuses, telling myself ‘next time,’ or ‘tomorrow,’ and here I am fighting this crazy, losing battle.

Assert yourself.  Take charge of your life.  Inspired in this moment?  Grab on to that feeling, no matter how fleeting.  Help can come from many places and one avenue is seeking a therapist that can help find the root cause, teach coping skills and provide a safe place with no judgment to unload. 

Take a step forward for your health and happiness. Write or call now. Be brave.

You can contact me or another therapist near you, today. 

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1462 U.S. 395 N ( 1462 Main St. )
Gardnerville, NV 89410

(775) 204-5132
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