Not yet married, maybe engaged, living together? Discussions about money before commitment to a life-time together include these hard topics:

• Do either of us have a history of bankruptcy?
• What kind of  debt? If any, how much and for what and what are the plans for paying it down?
• What are the facts about investments, pensions and savings?

Tip for the unmarried:

Remember to avoid getting into renting or buying houses, cars etc. with your partner unless you are married.

Value driven discussion

Maybe you are getting ready for a money discussion or maybe you are at a crossroads after 50 years of marriage.  It is never too late to discuss money matters with your partner in a more productive manner.

I work with couples.  One couple was able to discover their unspoken values which then guided them out of an ongoing conflict.  Turns out his value was safety and hers was creativity with regard to money.  She was spending a lot of money on crafts and beauty salons and he was fearful of out of control spending, making him feel very unsafe.  Understanding the underlying values allowed them to come up with a compromise on a reasonable amount of money she would spend that also helped him feel safe.  Instead of being angry about his ‘need for control,’ she felt empathy for his need for safety and was surprised at his generous agreement.

Consider a value focus, rather than goal or problem focus.  Here is some guidance to aid in a more productive conversation on this difficult topic:

Reflect privately and then discuss with each other about your individual values

• Ask yourself:  What are my values tied to money and spending?
• Without a list, it can be hard to think about values.  Increase your values vocabulary to aid your discussion by doing an on-line values sort with money in mind. You can also find many value list pdf’s on-line.  Value ideas might include Generosity, Fun, Safety, Risk.
• Discuss:  State what the values mean to you, ask your partner to summarize your statements
• Arrive at an understanding of each other’s sameness or differences with regard to money

These ongoing value-driven discussion will help resolve money conflicts but communication skills like those found on the Gottman website will aid you.  Read some of the blog articles on their website – do it together.

There is great help and guidance on-line and one of my recommendations is this great resource for, as Dave puts it – telling your money where to go.  https://www.ramseysolutions.com/

Money discussions are tough – don’t be discouraged and use these resources and ideas.

I can help – I specialize in couples therapy and while you may resolve a long-standing conflict, you also practice better communication skills with each other in session with me.  I aim for 80% of our time together to be the two of you talking to each other.  Often individuals learn something about themselves or their partner, they  never realized until we are in session.  This and other benefits of couples counseling may motivate you to seek out my help.  Check out my couples page for more info: https://drdixonpsych.com/couples-therapy/

It seems to be a fact of my life that even as I grow a bit older and wiser…words I regret just slip out before its too late.  I seem to be thoughtful and careful, in tune and attentive during therapy sessions as a psychologist.  In meetings, I might get a little red-faced if I divulge too much or mispronounce a word that causes a few smiles and titters of laughter, as I recognize the error myself.

My biggest problem seems to be with those closest to me.  With them, I feel loved and pre-forgiven, as if they would allow anything and still be there for me forever.

Maybe you don’t have people like that in your life and you still have my problem, but since I do  have those people in my life, I can barely stand it when something hurtful or just over the top slips past my teeth and into the room.  Often it is an impulse bred from a strong feeling and the spoken words are out before I can think of how to form the thought.

I did it again this week and I am still working to repair that relationship.  I have said my sorry bit and I am reminded that I have done this before.  Time is on my side…I think.  I have repeated and summarized their view of the damage.  I am diligently trying to do my part and hoping the positives in the relationship will come to their mind and be bigger than the slight that slipped out.  Today I made a little reminder from the word repair.

Recognize

Empathic

Position

Arrest

Impulsivity

Repair

Perhaps my endeavors here on my blog will help someone else.  Plus, I am giving myself a consequence, making a public confession that I am far off from reaching the goal of perfection (right!).  I am working on living in a value-driven life.  If I truly hold helping others as a value, I better recognize my impulsivity and how it can harm others, if not myself.

So, from above…I can recognize my empathic position and arrest impulsivity to benefit repair of the relationship.

If you are on the path of life like me, consider this:

We therapists are on the same path and most times we are able to help you as much or more than we can help ourselves and those closest to us.  Maybe therapy is partially effective because of the distance and neutrality, not just the training we have.  In any case, if after reading this confessional, you want my professional help, please write or call me today.

When I think about what has been MOST helpful
to couples in and mostly OUT of my office – these come to mind.

Gratitude meditation

6 sec. hugs

Eye contact

Asking what they need

Here are the four in detail

1. Gratitude meditation, means you take the time early in the day to generally be grateful and focus on some good thing about the relationship and/or your partner.  Writing it down in a journal?  Yes, that is a great way to solidify the thought.  TONS of research supports this activity.
2. 6 sec. hugs – The Gottman method suggests a six second kiss.  Aim for at least 3 seconds in a nice tight hug at greetings and partings and whenever one or the other reaches out for one.  Even if you have to pull them off the couch – do it.
3. Eye contact – end the hug with some potent close eye contact that speaks from the heart – the eyes are the vehicle of attachment and long looks can help most people feel connected.
4. Asking what they need – “Is there anything you need from me today?”  then do it if you can or say you will think about it at least

Why not try giving your relationship a strong dose starting today?    Remember!  Yes, a habit takes weeks of devotion to make it strong.  You can help it along by keeping track and reward each other for taking this turn toward more love and devotion.  Yes, it does help when a therapist is keeping you both accountable – so consider couples therapy.